Askew.

I’m writing from my cozy bed, dressed in cozy sweatpants and eating pasta with olive oil and parmesan (comfort food). I had to leave work after I couldn’t keep myself from crying at my desk.

I had a panic attack last night, right as I was trying to fall asleep. If you’re not sure what that is, read this Wikipedia page and you’ll get a good idea. I had no idea what was happening when I experienced my first one last June, also while I was trying to fall asleep. My body felt numb, I had difficulty breathing and I had a strong, irrational fear that if I fell asleep, I might never wake up. I kept jumping up from bed and pacing to make sure my body still worked. I would stare at myself in the mirror to make sure I was still me.

That first attack was easily the most terrifying experience of my life.

Last night’s attack wasn’t nearly as bad, since I realized what was happening fairly quickly. I just kept trying to relax and reassure myself that I would be fine. But every time I’d start to fall asleep, I’d jerk awake in fear. I finally fell asleep and woke up feeling a little zombie-ish, but fine, this morning. But once I got to work, I became upset just thinking about it, and was extremely frustrated that sometimes — although very rarely — I absolutely cannot control how I’m feeling.

I’m not sure what might have triggered this. I think I’ve put too much pressure on myself lately, with trying to push through an injury and then trying to recover quickly after a race that really stressed my legs. I’m worried that I’m way behind on half-marathon training. I’m worried that I’ll injure my legs in a way that will make it impossible for me to run. It could be other stuff bubbling up that I’m not even aware of, too.

I think I need a break. I definitely need a nap.

Sorry this is such a heavy post. I’d say I’m an extremely happy, confident, content person 98% of the time. But sometimes I fall. Sometimes I just need to cry and curl up in bed.

I think we all need that every once in a while.

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